Edinburgh Fringe Festival: Hilarious one liners from 12 famous comedians

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Knock Knock...

Agony Uncle Alan
Andy Murray, Gordon Brown, Alex Salmond... It's probably fair to say that Scotland as a nation isn't renowned for exporting a lot of laughs. Yet, for a few weeks of every year, this all changes. We're talking, of course, about the annual Edinburgh Festival and specifically the cornucopia of comedic talent that sets up shop there for the duration.

In the past, comedy greats such as Bill Bailey and Sarah Millican have used the festival to make their names, and there's an endless variety of funny men and women just waiting to be discovered.

For a giggle, we've collected some of the best funnies from our favourite comedians. We've kept them short too, so you can memorise a couple and wow your friends after a few glasses of wine.

1. Jimmy Carr
"I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It's the two from my mum that really hurt."

2. Alan Carr
"I was in my car driving back from work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, 'One minute I'm on the phone.'"

3. Tim Vine
"Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly."

4. Mark Watson
"Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex? Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

5. Rob Brydon
"My wife said 'Rob, I'd love to have children.' Now I'll be honest - I wasn't sure. Did I want to go through it all again? The lifting, the carrying, the mopping up of the spillages? And that's just when you're making love trying to have the child."

6. Milton Jones
"I was walking along today, and on the road I saw a small, dead baby ghost. Although thinking about it, it might have been a handkerchief."

7 Russell Kane
"I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out."

8. Jack Whitehall
"I'm sure wherever my father is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."

9. Peter Kay
"How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts? Wi' jam in!"

10. Russell Howard
"Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'"

11. Jack Dee
"My local's rough as anything. I went to the pub quiz the other night…First question was, "What the f**k are you looking at?"

12. Bill Bailey
"A lot of people say there's a fine line between genius and insanity. I don't think there's a fine line, I actually think there's a yawning gulf. You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with balloons tied to his ears, he's not going home to invent a rocket, is he?"

The Edinburgh Fringe Festival runs 2-26 August. You can book tickets at edfringe.com



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